Is there a way how to handle a break up respectfully, without blame, unkind words and a deluge of sorrow and regret? I think so.
Break ups suck, they are hard for all involved, they can quickly descend into nastiness and low blows in a bid to duck from the responsibility of your part in the demise of your once coveted relationship.
Hurt People Hurt People
Whatever the reasons for the breakup, it makes sense that trying to repeatedly hurt the other person with unkind words and accusations is never going to make you feel better in the long run. Why would you want to hurt someone you love or even once loved?
The saying ‘hurt people hurt people ‘comes into play here. To me i can’t conceive in further wounding someone who i know will be already hurting from the breakup. Even if i am feeling bitter, respect and love would stop the want to use my words to injure further. Words cut deep and leave a scar longer than anyone can even imagine.
In the article ‘What you need to know about relationships’ I used a great line: . ‘If there comes a time the relationship is no longer working for you, then you have to leave it. But you do so making sure the other person is not left hurting and whoever they enter a relationship with next is not left to mend the broken pieces of the person that you left behind.
You leave the person in the way you would expect to find them. Whole’.
Doing anything but this is heartless, even if you have never experienced it, why would you want to do anything less than leave someone whole?
Its often easy to project your fears onto the other person. It worth remembering projection can be painful. It could potentially damage you too, introducing doubt and fear into the other persons mind as they realise that what your saying essentially is what you expect yourself to do. The ego self has a great way of revealing its own thoughts and actions.
I wrote about projection in a previous post coming from the angle of understanding why we do it and how to avoid falling into the projection trap you can find that here.
In the heat of the moment hurtful words can flow easily and once past your lips, they can’t be taken back. So its always worth taking time to answer messages or in-person conversations. Allow the anger to subside and your heart to talk. Meeting a person with love is an art, it can be seen as calculated or cold, but in truth it takes practice not to let the ego control your responses. It take great authority not to let bitterness and fear cloud your judgement. Finding the right words to express yourself competently and concisely is best.
Stick To The Facts
Playing the blame game gets no one anywhere. Stick to facts, no point in raking u the past. It is, as it states ‘the past’. If you are bringing it up, its one of many reasons you shouldn’t be with someone. Not addressing an issue in the beginning just builds up resentment and shows that you did not trust your partner in the beginning to voice a concern. Not having enough trust is a time bomb for any relationship.
So stick to facts or reasons you are no longer compatible. Agree on split terms and then part as kindly as you can.
In the beginning its gonna hurt, you may cry, get angry, hide away. This is normal. Looking for support in the other is just going to prolong pain. So make a clean break and keep communications to a minimum. That could be a few weeks or months. You can always come back to talk things through after some time has past and the sting of the break up has subsided.
Don’t Publish It On Social Media
It can seem like a good idea to publish your every move on social media in a bid to show that you are over them. Falling out of a bar drunk and your sexual conquests should be kept to yourself. Why hurt the other person? Why not exercise discretion and decency and keep your business just that.
Don’t Rush Into Anything Too Soon
Is rushing into a new relationship how to handle a break up? It can seem like a good idea to get back on the horse as soon as possible, and of course if this is what you want to do who am i to say not to. I would urge you to consider the reason behind it? Validation? Loneliness? Fun?
We all need time to heal and get over a relationship ending, to learn the lessons from it, and put into practice anything we have learned. After all wouldn’t it make sense to see where things went wrong so the next time you can avoid them?
It also a lot easier to be manipulated when we are hurting. Then of course there is the whole fact rebound relationships rarely work.
Taking one day at a time is a perfect way to handle a break up, enter into all communications with love and respect and look at how you are being triggered by what is happening. Are you making a story to suit your fears and beliefs? Are your thoughts a reality or is it a possibility your own ego is in control? Above all else do not be swayed into trading bitter blows in a bid to absolve yourself of hurt or guilt.
Its better to walk away in good spirits than to rip someone to shreds to prove a point, even if you are right.
Have you got anymore ideas for how to handle a break up respectfully? If you have we would love to hear from you in the comments.